Vulnerability Dept: Why This is My Worst Poem in 2020

This poem was born first from its title. It came to me a day or two before I wrote the poem—and thought it would make a good t-shirt. The poem itself came in the morning, upon waking at my partner Shannon’s condo. By the second verse I had the noticeable feeling of not wanting to continue. By the middle, I just kept writing because I was in a channeling flow with that knowing, outsider voice, but I was keenly aware this “poem” was not at all poetic. No rhythm, style, word play, creative verse structure, just very plain, ordinary prose. A couple weeks later I still do not like it poetically; and I believe that much of published and publicly read poetry suffers in the same way. It’s just everyday prose broken into lines and verses; it’s not poetry.

Nonetheless, a trusted, erudite friend offered me his kind review that redeems the poem—at least partially:

“I like what it is about. Recently it popped into my mind the old Abraham Maslow ‘hierarchy of needs’ from Psych 101. It is represented as a pyramid with physiological needs as primary, basic survival. Next up, safety, security. Next up love and belonging, intimacy and community. Next: self esteem, status, recognition. And on top of the pyramid is self-actualization.

So this poem reminded me of that, how the person in the poem has some of their basic needs of hunger and shelter satisfied but their emotional and financial security is perilous. But then they realize that their life is better than others worse off than their self. They also value honesty and truth which are important emotional traits needed to navigate your way emotionally through life, when you are struggling and searching for a path with meaning.”

18 November 2020

It's Hard to Remember How Good
Your Life Is
When You're in the Middle of It

8:23am

I'm in a room
My stomach is full
and I'm not cold

I don't have enough money
for a new timing chain for my truck
My doctor can't tell me
what the pit
in my stomach is
the pain in my heart
or why my genitals hurt

I forget how good my life is
when my stomach is full
I'm not too hot
and I'm not cold.

My mom says mean things to me
puts me down and says,
"You're not good enough."
My dad?
He left a long time ago
whether he is here or not
He's just gone; it doesn't matter

I try to bring it back
how good my life is
my stomach is full; I don't go hungry
At night
And I'm warm.

I haven't had a boyfriend or
girlfriend in a long time
and dating scares me
What if they don't call back?
I don't think I'm likable

My job is ok
clerking for the corner grocery
My boss doesn't chew me out
often
And sometimes smiles
when it's at me it is
super cool and feels good.

I have a coworker kinda sorta
friend
that talks to me about his girlfriend
how cool and sexual she is
about his car that is newer than
mine, doesn't need repairs and
he buys stuff for
He buys stuff for his girlfriend too
but I think he buys more for his car
If I'm honest, which I always try to be.

Unless it hurts someone

People also tell me my life is
good, like strangers on the bus
or beggars on the street
I sometimes empty my change pocket
for.

I feel bad that I'm not hungry
sometimes
and I'm warm, not too hot or
cold

My life could be better than
just not being hungry and having a room
to stay in every day and night
I wish there was nothing wrong with me
And I had enough money to truly feel
Alright.

03 November 2020, 8:35am